I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
