under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
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