Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize
