I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
Good. I was naked most of the night. But sometimes I would wear my tux vest...But only my tux vest. It was classy
If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
He gave me a hug and said "He doesn't deserve you, Anna. Your boobs are great, and I'd fuck you anytime. Any. Place." I need a new 'gay' friend.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Randomize
