Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
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