Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
