Sorry, I have to go home and feed my nepotisms
Sorry, I can't talk, there's a herd of nepotisms headed my way
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
i have a feeling he has a nice dick. i can just sense it.
seems the shocker is way more shocking if u get the fingers wrong
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
Randomize
