I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
I love watching others lives come down to our level.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
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