and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Randomize
