he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
