Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Randomize