I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
entire chemistry final was about beer... i actually might miss this place
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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