I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
I think men at large are the problem in most or all relationships. It's like trying to drag a three-legged retarded puppy through an obstacle course
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
You are the jesus of drinking
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
Randomize
