I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
All I know is I want him to tie me up at least twice a week and I have an overwhelming urge to cook for him. Could this be love? I'm so confused....
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
there is puke in my bra ... again
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
Randomize
