Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
Let's just be mature adults about last night and never speak of it again.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Randomize
