I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
Randomize