In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
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