last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
You are a genius and a whore.
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
Randomize
