The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
Hey, it's Thrasher! From the hospital!
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
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