My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
