Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
porn star on stage now. Get unkicked out.
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
Dude she threw his clothes out n 8th floor window and her dog tried to bite his dick off. So the answer is yes it could be worse...
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
Randomize
