I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
Well, I'm a guy so I don't have one, but if its anything like the inside of my nose, yes, vodka would burn.
people are starting to question the shark bite story
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
Randomize
