I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
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