She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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