i don't like sucking hair
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
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