Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Randomize
