I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
she kept yelling 'call me bella'
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
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