I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
These tits shall not be calmed
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
As a member of the kink community, I feel grossly misrepresented
Randomize