Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
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