I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Randomize
