this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
would you eat cereal with weed in it
who is this???
Randomize
