You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
Casey, if you want the continuing love of our mother, you're gonna need to stop drunk texting her from PCB.
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
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