I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
Pooping to opera.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
