I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
Randomize
