I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
Randomize
