Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
