Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
Randomize
