I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
