A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
Sarah Palin just got hired for Fox News. Watch out Jersey Shore... there's a new drinking game in town
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
Randomize
