wanna go halves on a baby?
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
Randomize
