who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
Randomize
