8:17pm: So, How was fun day?
1:15am: So I just woke up in my bed in my bathing suit... I don't remember getting into bed or dinner or anything after slip n slide that happened around five... I'd say fun day was a success
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
Randomize
