you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
