omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
And then falling down drunk the next morning, concussing yourself and splitting your head open?
That was pretty sad, but you more than made up for it by using "concussing" in a sentence
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
