i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
and she was petting her beer can
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
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