apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
drunk. just smoked a spliff with a 19yr old hungarian bike taxi driver and bonded over the difficulties of getting weed in a different country. idk y shit like this isnt in the study abroad info packets
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
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