From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
Randomize
