Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
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