You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
I can't say too many people would say watching their drunk best friends fuck in a hot tub is very normal.
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
Randomize
