im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
