How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
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