it cannot be done, he is unbreakable.
What?
..he cannot be seduced..she had to have roofied him.
Details.
if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
So I've been to the library twice so far. Both times were for the atm, and once I was stoned. Junior year is going great.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
Fuck me I smell like cheese
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
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