Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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