She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
I don't remember anything beyond the drinking game but I woke up in my own pee this morning so I'm just gonna go out on a limb and say I overdid it.
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
Randomize
