Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
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