i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
Randomize
