so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
Lo siento on account of my penis...
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
Randomize
