omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
BRING THE BAGELS
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
