I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
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