the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
Let the clothes fall where they may.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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