Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
Naked. naked and bneed help.
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
Randomize
